The Pro's Guide to Banishing an AllDay
An Article by Orkimedes
Background:
Allinium Dayorum, or AllDay, is a malicious entity born of: days spent playing Mount & Blade: Warband in total darkness, cross-breeding between a jaguar and a crocodile, and the ability to go Aaaaeeeiiiaagh in increasing octaves like a little bitch when run through the chest by an artillery ramrod device. The AllDay is a shapeshifting creature that can assume the form of a human when necessary. The true form of the AllDay is recorded to resemble a large avian animal, or big fucking bird. Its natural habitat include damp basements, quiet internet cafés, and the little dark corner in your room that you never quite noticed. The AllDay is well known in common folklore as a creature of the night, commonly used by teenage African American mothers to scare their children into behaving. The only known instance of an AllDay being banished in a public area was during the Great Tourney (yeah 'tourney' has an 'e', faggot) of 2013. During the tourney, the AllDay was called out and challenged by PointBlank, champion of the FKI. PointBlank challenged the AllDay to a duel of bayonets to the death. The champion of the FKI landed seven fatal blows on the AllDay before being himself gored in the heart by the AllDay's own bayonet.
Diet:
The diet of the AllDay is much like that of the Gallus gallus domesticus (common chicken). The AllDay lives off of green plants, berries, insects, and blue Gatorade. However, unlike the chicken, the AllDay consumes copious amounts of male human genitalia, using suburban neighbourhoods as its favoured hunting ground for this purpose.
Reproduction:
The AllDay does not acutally reproduce with other AllDays. It in fact mates with male Equus ferus caballus (horse). The AllDay attracts its mate by drenching its genitalia in gasoline and waving it in front of a lit torch. This display of raw AllDay behaviour is enough to draw the attention of any potential mates. Once the mate is attracted it impregnates the AllDay through the act of fellatio. Once the AllDay is impregnated it lays an egg within the week. The AllDay will then protect and sit on the egg to provide appropriate warmth for growth. Once the egg is hatched, the infant AllDay will follow the AllDay around in its everyday activity until maturity. Note: infant AllDays are known as Ballers.
True Banishment:
The ritual of truly banishing an AllDay is to bind its very essence to a common chicken, which is then killed to ensure the AllDay's total destruction. This ritual should be overseen by at least nine Shinto monks and four decent mélée fighters (preferably including a PointBlank or Evanovic for insurance). The AllDay is to be bound to a bedpost using nothing but strung together latex condoms. First, a proper sacrifice to the Napoleonic War Gods is required. This will include the burning of four Alienware desktop computers to ashes. Once this step is completed, the ritual will be initiated by severing the AllDay's personal computer's internet connection, followed by cutting the power cord. Note: this step is known to cause excruciating pain to the AllDay, so make sure that the binds are adequate as it will thrash violently in pain. A caged chicken will then be brought into the room of the ritual taking place. Now comes the step of forcing the AllDay from its physical form.
References:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/19/fork-in-penis_n_3779392.htmlhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/19/larry-collum-paid-for-sex-roll-of-quarters_n_3780260.html?utm_hp_ref=dumb-criminalshttp://www.cnn.com/2013/08/19/health/weight-loss-tim-mccarty/index.html?hpt=he_t2http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/5084962/96-stone-man-airlifted-from-home-after-three-years-in-bedroom.html
