i went hiking with two friends and we found a cave. we had our headlamps so we went in. it was everyone's first time in a cave. we found three small rooms and three narrow passages. there was no standing up, we were on hands and knees. we didnt go through the last passage because it was narrow enough that getting stuck was a real possibility. but in the deepest chamber we rested and turned out our lights. we listened to water drip, and heard the silent flutter of a bat. it occurred to me that we were 50 feet underground in a damp, cramped, tight space with no light. the cave was off the trail. the trailhead was 3 miles away. the nearest building was 10 miles down the one lane road that leads to the trailhead. we had no cell reception on the mountain. on top of that we were 3 hours from home. we took precautions to make sure we could find our way out of the cave, it was only three rooms after all, but in a cave of rock all things are at once completely familiar and unrecognizable. every wall looks like every other wall, but completely different. in that moment in the dark i remembered a picture of myself as a kid, wearing cowboy boots and a hat, riding a play horse in the cul de sac in front of the house where i grew up. the same house where i first dropped acid a year ago. when i tripped i had a panic attack and spent 36 hours in hell. the underworld. and i thought of myself as a little boy with blonde hair and cowboy boots. smiling my confused smile. over two and a half decades later im sitting in the dark in an uncharted cave -- the underworld. when i tripped there was no up or down, there was no dividing line between things. there was nothing and everything. here in the dark it was the same. we turned our lights back on and headed for the exit. i was first to move because i was last in, but i was disoriented. maybe it was the moment of darkness, or maybe it was a cosmic property of the cave itself. maybe i was tripping on acid again, and the whole world was rocks and spiders and glimmering wet walls. maybe my lamp was the only light in the universe. i found the hole, crouched low and passed through into the long chamber. i crawled back across the ledge over a deep fissure and climbed up into the first chamber. i turned right, hit a wall i didnt remember, and instantly panicked. the only passage was an extremely narrow space we would have to wriggle through. i conferred with my buddy and he was equally confused. we both stood there hunched over, saying what the fuck, dude what the fuck. our last guy heard us and started to say dude what the fuck are you serious. he came out of the long chamber, looked left and said fuck you guys. the cave mouth was right above him. the day after my acid trip i convinced a medical doctor to prescribe me klonopin against regulations. i took one tablet when i got home and 12 hours later i woke up, though i didnt remember getting changed into pajamas or getting into bed. i was even surprised that my girlfriend was there. for days after the experience i was still in shock. i couldnt tell time and when i looked at people i didnt understand how they could be going about their day. it took weeks to readjust to reality. walking back into the light after that hour underground i was surprised to find that it didnt feel immediately different. my breath was still heavy and my throat tight. i finally noticed i was shaking. hiking back all we could talk about was how we felt in the cave, we relived it. today i am still in the cave. still reliving it. i am in my home, looking at my white walls and the furniture i picked out, and i am still in the cave. on my wall ive hung the poster that came with the john maus box set and the tips of my majesty palms' leaves are browning in the cold. my phone lights up with a message from a friend that says "march of the penguins was robbed of an oscar" and when it goes dark 5 seconds later, i am in the cave.
