Friends, family, citizens of the republic, I have come before you today to offer a sincere apology. In short, I am a fraud. That's right, I am the modern day Paul the Apostle. I have fabricated claims and stolen from other mythologies to help boost my intellectual ego. The illusion has been shattered, there is now nowhere for me to hide. I must be truthful with all of you. Do I feel shame? Absolutely not, for if my mind was to be shattered over the internet, I would most certainly be unable to function in reality (at a bare minimum of course). Like many who came before me, I am guilty of pushing an agenda I so very wanted to be true that separating fiction from truth mattered little. You could say that my agenda is simply to convince myself of my own personal failings. That they be so overwhelming to push me over the edge into falsities and fabrications. In fact, that might be entirely true. Do I want anything said to come about in reckoning fashion? Most certainly, humanity was gifted its chance to ascend over any other being and we have failed miserably. I will not say that extinction is on the horizon, but we will most definitely suffer for our arrogance. This apology may not be genuine, but the ramblings will continue nonetheless. This entire paper might even be said to be my final attempt at salvation, or maybe it's just a young man trying to convince himself that he is not entirely insane. After all, it is merely fruit salad!
Where did this start you ask? Well, to be quite honest I'm not entirely sure myself. The failing academic ability in middle school could be perhaps the first indication of my fraudulent beginnings, but it may go deeper than that. A collapsing life at home could also be brought forth to blame, though that too may be lacking in credibility. Some strong sense of dread had overcome me soon after the death of many close to me, likely leading to the failing grades I had suffered throughout my initial education. Development in maturity could be said to have entirely halted during this era, as I no longer wished to put effort into much beyond eating and breathing. Why struggle to succeed in a world where so much is stolen from so few? It seemed so easy, and for a long time it was. When you stare straight into the dullness that is existence, it becomes rather difficult to take anything and anyone seriously. Take this with a grain of salt, but when the first thought that enters your head is to terminate your own existence, the line between decency and barbarity is blurred. Now, after all I've done, the pain caused and the lives ruined, why should you take anything I'm saying seriously? Well, you shouldn't, for why would you buy into stranger's ramblings on the internet that aren't even entirely theirs? The whole point of these papers in the first place was not just to convince the reader, but myself as well.
This may very well be the greatest contradiction to our existence. We so desperately want certain things to be true that we will sometimes go to extreme lengths in order to achieve it. The Christians wanted to believe that there is God and Satan, Heaven and Hell, sin and virtue, that they wrote myths borrowed off other myths in order to satisfy this urge. Why do we have children? In order to fulfill our biological urges and continue the endless game of gene preservation. Of course, we delude ourselves into thinking that it is more than that, hence the brain's tendency for imagination. This is what I initially set out to do, to disprove every notion of commonality we so preciously shared with each other. To see what our existence entailed in full light. The error I committed was being guilty of the very thing I set out to refute. Scammed myself into thinking that I was right, and they were wrong. As you can see, it seems I've dug myself into the same camp as the rest, concluding to be no different than every other pour soul that inhabits this blue rock. Previous postulations have led me to believe that the self-termination of our being is the only "logical" thing to do when this realization rears its ugly face.
Philip Mainländer, a relatively unknown philosopher of the 19th century, had theorized that our existence was the result of the Christian God's suicide. It is further explained that God had killed himself due to being overwhelmed by his own life. Unable to bear it any longer, the deity so steeped in human culture committed cosmic destruction to save himself from existence. The result is what we see here: the universe and all of its creation. However, Mainländer did not believe in God, so the work must be determined to be a massive analogy towards our own predicament. Theological interpretations must not be considered literal in this treatise, as Philip was most likely trying to replicate a universal experience under more familiar circumstances. Mainländer penned his work during his time as cuirassier in the German army, killing himself not too long after. He titled his magnum opus Die Philosophie der Erlösung (The Philosophy of Redemption), and details many of existence's misgivings. Most of the book has not been translated from the native language, but enough can be extrapolated to understand Mainländer 's core thesis: it is better to die as soon as possible. This conclusion, depending on your viewpoints, is either with or without merit. Even for the most pessimistic old fool of the flock, Mainländer may be deemed to be too extreme, and rightfully so. Perhaps the most striking interpretation that can be drawn from The Philosophy of Redemption is that our slow spiral into maximum entropy is merely the universe redeeming itself for have being created without consent. In his own words, “God has died, and his death was the life of the world.” Going further, Mainländer puts forth the notion that our eventual annihilation is not something to be feared, but instead an action that we should strive towards. In other words, mankind can only achieve equilibrium and redemption through extinction by its own hand. Every other action would have been in vain, for it is just another futile attempt to combat the void. However, we mustn't assume that Mainländer was preaching the truth here. Rather, it was merely another philosophical elucidation concerning these curious, anxiety-ridden chimps. Is Mainländer right? I don't know, you tell me.
In short, why bother? The struggle no longer starts with getting out of bed. It has extended to the point where I'm not sure if the food or the noose has more appeal. I suppose you could call me a pseudo-Christian adhering to certain Buddhist principles. God is dead (well at least metaphorically), and our existence serves no meaning other than to cheat and lie till we are somewhat satisfied. This why I do these things; because I cannot simply fathom a reason as to why you would put 100% effort into something that contributes so little to annihilation. It's entirely possible that everything written above isn't even mine to begin with. Hell, it could be the suicide note of some poor sap in high school who struggled with a breakup. You can never be too sure right? This is what the mind does to us. When the circle completes itself, you are left with nothing but half-truths and delusions in an effort to convince the mind that all is well, and that everything will be okay in the end (well, in my case not really). This is what desperation does to the mind. If you value yourself and your time here, you will not grasp at straws to validate your own beliefs. You will be self-critical and thoroughly seek within yourself the questions that can and cannot be answered. Please dear reader, this realization of despair came before me all too late. I beg of you, don't be like me. Do not be driven by such a horrible thirst for affirmation that you steal and falsify. Be better than that.